The most common thing that all people do after a date that did not go well is blame the other person, saying things like “they obviously have no time anyways” or “I don’t think they’re ready to have a relationship with anyone.”
But what we don’t look at is ourselves. The common denominator between all of your failed relationships is you.
The dating world has changed so much, especially within the past few years. There are more opportunities to connect with people than ever, but also more chances for us to make the simple mistakes that cause us to give off the wrong impression of ourselves to the world, and attract the wrong people. Online dating, for example, allows us to create a profile, an identity, giving us even more ways to self-sabotage and, consequently, give off an entirely different persona than the one you had intended.
We are in a new world and as social norms & technology evolve so should etiquette.
After being in the matchmaking industry for many years I began to notice a pattern of clients going on date after date with no success, no matter how accurate to their criteria. The pattern was not just men, just women, just people of a certain education level, income level, or even physical appearance or personality traits. What they all had in common was a failure to use self-reflection.
In order to be ready to find the right person you must have: mental stability, financial security, and be serious about finding love. If you feel that you have all three and have failed to go on even one successful date, then here are some possibilities that could be getting in the way of others seeing your true worth.
- Negative attitude.This can close you off, creating a wall between you and anyone else emotionally (as well as physically). We all give off energy and others can sense it whether you know it or not. Negative talk about an ex, or bringing up past relationships on a first date, is unfavourable. A date is similar to a job interview; you need to highlight the best qualities of yourself, while at the same time being sure not to share your relationship history as if it were a resume. Your past connections are for you to learn from, and will not be the deciding factor on if you or the other person will be interested, so don’t give away too much too soon. The same rule applies to talking about your own flaws or criticizing other’s. You can be honest without being judgemental or jaded. No one describes the love of their life as cold, so leading with this and expecting someone to break down your walls will not happen like it does in the movies, and will most likely end in disappointment.
- Appearance.Looks matter to everyone. Dress to impress yourself – if you feel your best you will look your best. Make sure your clothes fit your body frame and keep in mind that you don’t have to show a lot of skin to look sexy or appealing. Your style says a lot about you, so be sure that it is expressing what you want it to about yourself. This is a way to showcase who you are before you speak and it’s what most people judge you on without even realizing it themselves. Appearance extends beyond clothing, hair, and make-up. Facial expressions project the way you feel on the inside. Men specifically love the feeling that they have the ability to make women smile. As long as you’re keeping it genuine, the more you smile at him the more at ease and accepted he will feel. Sometimes it really is just that simple.
- Oversharing. Reveal only the first layer of yourself on a date. This allows you to leave behind a little mystery. The more personal details you share with someone before they get to know you on their own, the more overwhelmed they will be and the more personally effected you will feel if things do not turn out as planned. Secondly, no one wants to be converted on a first meeting, so having a debate about religion and politics without knowing beforehand if this is something your date is passionate about can be a major issue. Strong opinions that are forceful in nature and not respectful of the other person’s viewpoint can be damaging to your credibility and unattractive to the other person. Share your knowledge but always keep an open mind.
Side note: Lists are helpful when it comes to groceries and running errands, but bringing one to a date is just awkward for the other person and makes you look unreasonable, no matter what topics or goals it includes.
- Confidence.It’s natural to be nervous, so long as this does not lead to drinking too much and acting sloppy. No one you just met wants the responsibility of having to look after you or be with someone that can’t handle themselves on their own. This ends up looking to other person that you lack confidence and self-control. Realize that the other person is nervous as well, so try to not to worry so much about whether they will like you and focus on if you will like them.
Trying too hard to impress or being too “available” will also come across desperate. Being able to spend time alone and feel whole within yourself is important. You have to get your own life first and then share it with someone who makes you feel like the most special person in the world.
- Unrealistic expectations. Your criteria could be what is standing in your way of finding the right person. Having the same hobbies and interests as someone else is not as essential to a relationship as a willingness to learn new things from each other. Age, height, income, education… these are nice expectations to have, but should not be determining factors in who you are prepared to allow into your life. Always keep your criteria flexible. Throw out the list!
It can be hard to take responsibility for our behaviours when we can only see it from our own point of view. The Love Listeners was created to help our clients become successful in their relationships. We are a team of relationship experts providing a phone-based consultation service for the times when you need some clarity, understanding or support in the dating world. Our process is to be by our client’s side through the day to day struggles we all go through in finding love: experienced, professional, confidential and easy to reach from the comfort of your home.
By Kai Downes
All photography reserved by La Vie Chic